romance

hello internet.

i know i haven't posted anything in a while -- three months actually --but with college and everything going on in my life i've been a bit busy. and you can judge me all you want like i know you will people that's just how people are. we judge others whether we're aware of it or not.

but anyway let's just get into it.

as a wanna-be-writer i make up stories in my head all the time. hell sometimes i'm even able to get them down on paper -- real and virtual. and it seems my brain has locked target on the romance genre of the fiction world so you can assume i've thought/written a couple love scenes. whether you guys think its just a simple kiss or a steamy sex scene is up to you -- but come on i know where your minds are gonna go -- its part of the romance genre. and i feel pretty proud of the scenes i've created. i know it's better than the twilight love story for sure.

but, if i wanna be a romance writer then i should have some pretty romantic experiences myself shouldn't i?

well to tell the truth i haven't. throughout my whole life so far i've never had a boyfriend or some guy even try to flirt with me. makes me feel so great when i watch all my friends get boyfriend after boyfriend. can you say low self-confidence and low self-esteem? i mean i have had my first kiss but it was in a hot tube with my cousin, sister, and some of my cousin's friends. we were playing truth or dare. i'm pretty sure you can figure it out from there.

any idea of romance i've gathered from movies, television shows, the internet (specifically youtube videos), and books.

but now here at college that's gonna change. my friend elliott is setting me up with on of his friends. it was elliott who first asked me if i was single or not which made me think he was gonna ask me out but i'm perfectly fine with one of his friends. it was pretty funny how he asked.

"so you wear glasses."
"yep."
"this is gonna sound weird but are you single?"

yep pretty funny. or at least i thought so.

but anyway. i'm pretty nervous about meeting up with this friend. i mean elliott is an upperclassmen so his friend most likely be one too while i'm just a freshman with no experience in the romance department. i've wanted a boyfriend since...okay i'm gonna be frank, preschool -- i never really was in that whole boys are gross stage -- but i'm scared that i might make a fool of myself. i'm a very shy person and i'm surprised that i had even made friends with elliott. talking to guys just really isn't my thing. i get all embarrassed and shy and flustered.

i...i don't know what to do.

the meeting's gonna be on a monday, tuesday, or thrusday. elliott has to tell me more. but right now i think i just wanna skip this week and go straight home for the weekend.

well internet, tell me about your relationship experiences. i don't care what it is just tell me something. maybe it can help me.

but for now that's it. end of draft.

sun

this poem i actually wrote in middle school. why? i don't know.

the harmful rays of the sun
shine down
the heat melts human flesh
but from a distance it's pretty
yellow, orange, and red
burn like fire
the sun is our energy
we need it

middle school dance

this poem i actually wrote in middle school. why? i don't know.

i enter the gym
the music is blasting
my friends come up to me
we all dance
suddenley the music fades
a slow song comes on
boys surround me
asking me to dance
i reply with a no to all
i sit down on a bench
and begin to think about him
the one that i love the most
the on who's not here
"may i have this dance?" says a voice
i look up
it's him
i am speechless
but i grab his hand
he leads me out onto the dance floor
a new slow song plays
we begin to dance
he holds me close to him
i can feel the heat from his body
feel the beating of his heart
hear him breathing in and out
smell his strong cologne
soon he whispers something in my ear
"do you love me?"
i looked up at him and into his eyes
those beautiful eyes
the ones i can get lost in
i slowly inch closer to his face
and then
we kiss
i back away slowly
hoping he knows my answer
he says nothing
just stand there
staring at me
i feel tears start to well up in my eyes
i begin to walk away
but he soon pulls me back
holding me again
even closer to him
"i love you too" he says
and then he kisses me
my eyes stay wide open in shock
but then they slowly close
as i embrace the kiss
feeling his lips on mine
and loving it
the song changes
the music is blasting again
but we remained attached
still kissing
our lips still touching
moving in harmoney through passion
all because of a dance
just on single dance

nightmare

this poem i actually wrote in middle school. why? i don't know.

the town is pitch black
suddenly lightning flashes
thunder roars
i hear rushing wind
it's coming towards me
what could it be?
a hurricane?
tornado?
i try to run away
but my foot's caught
i scream
hoping someone would hear me
there's no response
my body is lifted up
up high into the air
the wind comes to a stop
i fall to the ground
"this is it." i think
"this is how i die"
i almost hit the ground

suddenly i wake up
beads of sweat roll down my neck
i'm sitting up in bed
it was just a dream
nothing but a nightmare

dream

this poem i actually wrote in middle school. why? i don't know.

i wake up
but not in my bed

i'm lying on a cloud
i slowly sit up
the sky is lit up with beauty

it's golden with a hue of pink
a sweet scent is in the air
it smells like roses

i look around
surrounded me is a lake
nearby is a flowing waterfall

it's perfect
i dip a toe into the water
not to hot, not to cold
the perfect temperature

i jump in
and then i hit the ground

i wake up and look around
i'm in my room
on the floor
i must have been dreaming

i crawl back into bed
close my eyes
and wish
wish i can dream that sweet dream again

unread

once again ap english poems

do not enter
my door is open
as you walk through
funny
since i speak the opposite

35 miles
why do i even bother
if you continue to zoom past
ignoring my words

upside down
how can you read me
if my ground is the sky
and my ceiling the dirt

beauty secrets

more ap english poems

scent
i pluck you up
taking a deep breath
i sigh because of your
floral scent
then cap you and put you back
in my garden of perfumes

mud
funny
how you don't
wanna touch me
unless you pay
hundreds of dollars

nature and socity

more poems i had to write for ap english.

bambie
we destory your home
kill your mother
but you still come back to us
hungry for our lawns

king of the forest
in green you are the king
but here in the suburds
you are seen as nothing
but dinner
as we eat away your kingdom

migration
we take your home
so why are we upset
when you come
to visit ours

words of my own creation

i wrote this for my ap english class when we were studying some of walt whitman. we were told to create a poem based off whitman's poem "song of myself". let's see if you can get any of my referrences.

1

i celebrate myself, and sing myself
words such as these are not mine
but are borrowed from someone else
they are simply words
words, words, words as the prince said

but  those are more borrowed words
that flow from the pen of the other writers

so what words are original?
what words are my own?
what words are yours?

2

where do these words originate?
the do not just come from the pen
there must be someone to think them

we do it all the time
talking every single day as long as we aren't mute
but words aren't always remembered
so they must be unique in order to linger

poets, novelists, artist,
they're the ones who hold the secret
creative and imaginative they creat them
words that spark someone's interest
keeping the fire alive within their head

3

i'm a writer, an artist at hand
piecing together my world within my head
then creating them on the page

through mediums of graphite, ink, paint, pastel,
       chalk, crayon
creating both pictures and sentences
each telling a story through many words
words of my own creation

ode to the crazies

written for my AP English class when we were studying odes.

cheers to those with their minds so far away
with free jokes which won’t cost you any money
who’s crazy antics always brighten my day

out of their mouths is always something funny
like a random British accent or saying
on their head’s an imaginary bunny

all it took was a broom to the head making
the princess happy that they are there for him
then backstage they teach him to dance or trying

they do not try to act all proper and prim
both of their minds too advanced to make any sense
they’re crazy but they’re my friends and I love them

shedding

death and decay fall
the ground gains it's nutrients
the trees lose their leaves

burnt

during the solstice
red spread across my body
please grab the aloe

allergic

pollen in the air
it enters in my nostils
i'm about to sneeze

cold

a frozen desert
of powder brings it's sickness
run inside for heat

my explanation

it's interesting to see someone else's point of view on things. after reading my friend steph's blog post please, pretty please, words of advice? i saw that she had mentioned me and how i'm always...well you can read it. i saw that she was hurt and is still probably hurt by the actions going on but as i read some of the comments below i started getting hurt.

i strive hard to be the girl who's just likable and quite and doesn't cause any trouble at all so when i saw this comment

"the alyxes and caseys and lauras of the world will eventually grow the heck up"

my confidence shot straight down and then even more when another person agreed. so i decided that instead of wallowing in a puddled of pity i would tell my side of the story.

first dealing with the fact that i'm floating more towards casey and alyx. i have no problems with any of my friends and i wish that we could all just get along but with all my friends fighting it's a little hard. the reason why i drift more towards those two is because we have a lot of the same interests and that i have spent the most time with those two. i feel bad for ignoring my other friends but when your in the middle of a fight it's pretty hard not to.

second is dealing with me deciding not to go to prom. one day i was sitting in the waiting area of my new eye doctor with my mother and was thinking about prom. the more i thought about it the more i didn't wanna go. i told my mom and she told me that she supported my decision. and even though i had a dress i didn't have to go. so when i told my friends alyx and casey invited me to hang out with them the day of prom and i accepted, knowing that it would be more fun than sitting at home the day of prom. and when of course steph found out that i did have a dress she asked me why i still wasn't going. when i told her that i rather not spend anymore money on something i didn't want to go to she said "but what's 50 more dollars?" thinking back on it now she probably thought that i just needed the ticket but in reality my dress still needed alteration, i needed jewelry, and i would have to go get my hair and nails done. so in the end it would cost more money than what i paid for for the dress to just go to prom. so yes i was not baited by my friends to not go, it just didn't feel right to me.

so there's my explanation. i know i deals with a lot of someone else's blog but i just wanted to say something in my defense. sorry if this was a bit boring and ranty. i should throw in something fun and random at the end for a treat for those who read this all. well here you go.

darwin

i know i complain a lot about theatre. but now that all my shows are over and there are no practices to go to i feel weird. i have always had something to do after school every day and now that's gone. it had been going on for such a long time that when it finally stopped it was like i hit a wall of questions.

what happened?

what do i do now?

where do i go from here?

i had gotten so used to my busy and chaotic schedule that when it finally stopped i didn't know what to do with myself.

but i guess that's what happens in life. people simply adjust to their situation and move on with their lives. just like animals do all the time. you either evolve or you die. so i'm gonna go along with darwin's theory and evolve because i've seen enough that i know i don't want to be at the very bottom of the food chain. dying off like some of the other birds just because i couldn't think of something to do on a friday night.

i broke tonight

i broke tonight.
my body shook as i opened the fridge,
hungry for something
but not exactly food.

i broke tonight.
as the light came on i slide down
right on to the floor
and let the tears slip out.

i broke tonight.
the cat and dog danced around me;
unaware of what i was doing,
unfamiliar with the sound of my sobs.

i broke tonight.
mom had come into the kitchen.
she got me up off the floor
and into the living room.

i broke tonight.
sitting on the couch i let it all out.
tears which i had been holding back.
tears that were bleeding out from old wounds.

i broke tonight.
she asked me what was the matter.
i didn't cry often but every time i did
she was there. she was always there.

i broke tonight.
i tried to speak. hardly making sentences
but she understood my strange tongue,
knowing what had been going on.

i broke tonight.
she tried to help like always
but it didn't change my mood.
the blood still flowed down my cheeks.

i broke tonight.
she made me a snack,
hoping it would help me feel better
and i did but only a little.

i broke tonight.
she sent me to the shower;
saying the water will calm me
but i head to my cave instead.

i broke tonight
the bleeding has stopped as i write
but the wound is still there
and will only heal when the curtain closes.

this actually happened when i came home from practice tonight. i don't want to go into too much detail because i'm tired and upset. good night.

that mood

last night i had the urged to just take a glass which was conveniently placed on my kitchen counter, smash it on the ground, and watch as the glass scattered into a thousand tiny pieces. i'm sure that everybody would like to do that too sometimes because we all get into that i'm-so-frustrated-i-just-want-to-break-things mood.

mine happened to be caused by play practice. everyone in the cast, or at least the student cast, sees that the alumni who happen

to be in the show are the focus. it's like they're the stars and we're just the people in the background making them look good. the alumni even get to use our make up rooms which are so much bigger than the dressing rooms we have to get ready. you think that with the 24 female students would get a bigger place to get ready for the show but no it's actually the 3 female alumni who do. there's other things that bother about the show also. like how in a slide show we have for it's raining men we have pictures of the principle and the super attendant, who are current day age pictures and all gross and sweaty mixed in with pictures of past athletes. let's just say all us girls are not excited to be singing about them and when we saw the slide show a collected ew echoed through the auditorium. and how for curtain call the student cast all takes our bows scattered and completely random, which i should think we should bow by grade level since the show is called

dallas through the years, and then the alumni get to go last.

writing that little paragraph i realized that it sounds very ranty. which makes me think i should end this post with sometime that deals with smashing a glass. so let's all pretend that we have a glass in our hand. fill that glass with all of your frustrations in life and then smash it to the floor...or against a wall....it's your preference. but now let the satisfaction of you smashing something to bits lift up your mood. then go out and buy yourself a new glass.

name

i've decided that i'm going to change my name.

not my actual name my but my blog name. i've been looking at other people's blogs and the names of their blogs and saw that they were very personal. then i looked at my blogs name. zim's spark of creativity and i thought that the only thing that made it personal was that the first three letters of my last name was part of the title. nothing else. spark of creativity isn't that orginal and i'm starting to think that it doesn't really apply to myself anymore. i mean i get my inspiration for any of my creative project from small things like nature and songs, sometimes even the art of others. there is no spark (even though occasionlly there are) so i decided that a name change it for the best. i've decided on one that i feel represents who i am and is quite funny and ironic.

so goodbye old name and hello to new me...blog

what do you do when the hunger games comes out

during the day of opening night for your show?

yes it is true. the school show just so happens to open the day the hunger games comes out. we've known about it for a while now (or at least the fans and the ones to pay attention to the things going around them). cast members have begun reading the books and there's been a ton of conversation going on about it before practice with girls asking others to do their hair in a french braid like katniss. even when out assistant director jeff was telling us that there was only to more weeks until the show steph, from an organized mess (my life), managed to squeeze it in. here's the conversation:

jeff: guys, two more weeks.

steph: until the hunger games come out.

jeff: i quit.

the conversation did make the cast laugh but we as got eyes rolls and deep sighs from jeff and our director. needless to say that they figured out that we're more interested in the hunger games movie than our show.

but now it's hell week and they've been buckling down. the cast has been very good so far wanting to get things down and over with so we don't have to stay later than we have to. the practices are hard having to go in around 5:30 and end probably around 8:00. but the one i'm really not looking forward it is the wednesday practice which will go from 7:00 to whenever just because of the adults schedules.

but during this week my friend allison has come up with a good metaphor for hell week. and it fits very well with the new movie coming out.

hell week is like the hunger games. you never know who's gonna survive.

soooo......

i haven't posted anything new in over a month.

...

do i have a good excuse why?

...

no

...

sorry

song of myself

1

I celebrate myself, and sing
myself
Words such as these are not mine
But are borrowed from someone
else
They are simply words
Words, words, words as the prince
said

But those are more borrowed words
That flow from the pen of the
other writers

So what words are original?
What words are my own?
What words are yours?

2

Where do these words originate?
They do not just come from the
pen
There must be someone to think of
them

We do it all the time
Talking every single day as long
as we aren’t mute
But words aren’t always
remembered
So they must be unique in order
to linger

Poets, novelists, artists
They’re the ones who hold the
secret
Creative and imaginative they
create them
Words that spark someone’s
interest
Keeping the fire alive within
their head

3

I’m a writer, an artist at hand
Piecing together my world within
my head
Then creating them on the page

Through mediums of graphite, ink,
paint, pastel,
chalk, crayon
Creating both pictures and
sentences
Each telling a story through many
words
Words of my own creation

thinking of you

why is it that i keep thinking about you? why because of a few dreams i can't get you out of my head? why can't i stop thinking about you now even though i've known you for over a year? why do i keep daydreaming of us together? of calming days and steamy nights? of you rescuing me from things i don't know about? of us holding each other in comfort and love? of tender kisses of love and wanting? why?

maybe it's because i like you. i don't know why i didn't start thinking of you a year ago. is it because i've just now noticed how attractive you are? but that can't be it. you've always been attractive. and there was no other guy in my mind when we met. so maybe it's because i've finally noticed the way you laugh. all your jokes. your funny sarcastic remarks. how you're happy your friends with my best friends even though they annoy you at times. how hauntingly beautiful your voice is when you sing. perhaps that's the reason why i keep thinking about you.

but i shouldn't be. i'm in dangerous territory. crushing on the same guy my friends happen to like. and besides it's not like you notice me much. i'm just the girl there when you're talking to one of them. listening and smiling at the things you say. recently i've been joining in on the conversations and you seem to be accepting them by actually talking back. but will you be accepting to the fact that i'm thinking of you? and will my friends be also as accepting?

making a page

i have decided that i'm gonna make a page on my blog. i've seen the option on the posting, i don't know what to call it so i'm naming it thing-a-magigor for now. i've been curious and tempted to make a page but i haven't the slightest idea for what to do for it. until finally now, sitting behind the front desk in the library i have found my inspiration. and it would be...

STARKID!!!

haha tricked ya. you thought that perhaps i was gonna do something of books since i mentioned that i found my inspiration in the library. but nope. it's not that. thought perhaps i'l make one at another time. but yes i have chosen to do a page on Starkid, the most amazing theatre group ever. if you have no idea what i'm talking about then go and read the page if it's up and become amazed. for soon i shall turn you into a fangirl like myself. mmmmaaaaahhhhhaaaahhhhaaa!!!! (cue lightning in the background.)

it's tech week

i was going to post this last week but hey better late than never.

which means a few things

1. lots of yelling from the director and staff
2. homework being shoved aside
3. headaches caused by fellow cast mates
4. and weird eating habits

why weird eating habits? mostly because it involves me eating two dinners. one somewhere between 3:00 or 3:30. and then another one around 9:30 to 10:00 at night. which is probably not the healthiest of things but tech week is not healthy. you are sleep deprived and worked hard every single day while eating foods that mostly require a microwave. it's not a good thing health wise but we do it to get a great outcome for the show. which happens to be sweeney todd.

and no i am not one of the main characters such as mrs. lovett or johanna. i'm in the ensemble which is just as hard work as they have with all the similar songs i have to sing. saturday's rehearsal of act two went really well and then last night's rehearsal of act one went...well let's just say that it moved. christa, our director, yelled at us and i completely understand why she did. some of the cast members are not taking some things seriously (which causes me to want to punch them in the face but that wouldn't be professional now would it). it also reminded me of why i chose this to be my last show.

but as always with theatre, we work our butts of during hell week, accepting the yelling and trying to get through scenes as best as we can so we can go home. christa worrying her ass off and then when opening night arrives it's wonderful. that's how it's been for as long as i can remember. i know it will be a great show and we will prove to the spectars that kids can make sondheim look and sound wonderful.

being in the middle of my inner circle...

means being in the middle of the fighting

which means getting the short end of the stick

i've seen it happen before

friends getting into a fight

being in the middle

and seeing how they grew apart

it's history repeating itself

just with different people

but i remain the same as before

stuck in the middle

with shots being fired both ways

feeling like i'm the rope

in their tug-a-war

child's creatvity

ignore a child's creativity
and they'll grow up lopsided
it might be childish
but all of life is buffonery anyway
so let them teleport through a warp
and pay attention to where
otherwise they'll rip themselves open
and run to someone else for acceptance
let their creativity be seventeen miles wide
and jump into the warp with them
or they'll gallop be without you

jump away

the door was locked shut
only one place to go now
right out the window

runnings all i've knowen
they've been chassing me for years
yet i'm still not caught

deep in thought i try
to think of a hiding place
but none come to mind

they know all my tricks
they will surely catch me now
but i won't let them

turning up the cliff
the leap of faith carries me
finally i'm home

peacock food

i have to feed the peacock
it's food is weighing me down
small pieces placed in my pocket
begging to get out
so i pull them out into the open
then dropped them into the peacock
because i can't be normal
and have a regular piggy bank

slash

the fire burns
hungry for more
demanding you
go and get it
you've had enough
and try to fight it
your will is strong
but the fire still burns
only one way to stop
grab it and slash
the fire stops
as you bleed out

get back up

everyone has a bad day or two
but this is getting ridiclous
you look like garbage
and you're acting like trash
soon the dump truck will be coming for you

don't turn the other cheek
face me and accept the stinging truth
what do you want me to do?
lie about it?
don't be an idiot

if you're gonna play the game of life
then play it smart
so get back up
and move on with your life
there'e better things to do than sulk

the microwave

microwave on the counter
isolated from all the
matching appliances

not the best view
of the house
unlike the rest

pasta sauce stains
the white metal
smells of burnt food
and singed hair

never strong enough
to push for a new one

because every now and then
there's something sweet

timer is heard at noon
leftovers are done

if not already eaten
by the man with
the graveyard shift

no idea hiaku

i am deep in thought
but deep in thought about what?
i've no idea

escape hiaku

the door is locked

only one place to go now

right out the window

bed of roses hiaku

lying on a bed
of rose petals, i look up
finally relaxed

piano lessons hiaku

what am i doing?
playing this piano bad
i hate my parents

hello 2012

and good bye world. or maybe i should wait and say that until december. it's hard to believe that everything has gone by so fast. but perhaps that's because of pressure and stress. my life has been one big ball of crazy lately. how much i wish i could just continue on with christmas vacation with staying up late and sleeping in. but december has passed and the school was cruel enough to make us come back on the monday after new year.

during new years i didn't really have time to think back on anything that happened during 2011. my eve was filled with apples to apples, nerf guns, surprise attacks, cards, and candy. while my day was filled with muffins, late christmas presents, more apples to apples, and homework that i procrastinated on. so now that i'm bored to death back in school i'm able to remember all the things 2011 brought me.

aida. passing my senior project. a very potter musical. a cardboard goat named sir reginald remington the fourth. a cardboard grave stone with the words "ass entering system" on the side. red wigs, rapture circles. two cedrics. a cho chang on crutches. members of the pit who doubled as actors. the best brownies i've ever eaten. coke. my best guy friend becoming my son. urinetown (it's a musical and it's not as gross as it sounds). mother roles squared. a frying pan. the last year of lit camp. doctor becky in the shakespeare garden. british accents. irish accents. ocean city maryland. duffy dancing. my best guy friend moving to ohio. four months of summer vacation. four months of little women. past costumes being reused. ap english. three english classes at once. being accepted to all the colleges i applied to. waltzing to harry potter in the middle of hershey park at night. finding a friend who dislikes roller coasters as much as i do. experimenting on canvas. and crazy antics with great friends.

there were a lot of good times in 2011 along with some sad times. but life moves on and 2012 has come to give people a fresh new start. it's going to be crazy being it my senior year and then going off to college in the fall. i just hope that i will get as many, if not more, great memories this year before the calender runs out and i get a christmas card saying:

"merry christmas and goodbye"